When our daughter was eleven years old and our son twelve, I read a newspaper article that shook our comfortable world. The director of our children’s orphanage had been arrested on charges relating to an apparently illegal adoption. After much soul-searching, we reached the difficult decision that we had to independently confirm what we had been told about our children’s background. Our decision to launch a private search for our children’s Indian parents led us into the dark and scary territory of child trafficking. It was a lonely time for us, as we grappled on our own with complex issues and questions that are (thankfully!) out of the realm of most adoptive families.
Our children joined our family when they were three and five years old, and for eight years we had told them their adoption story: that they were born as the youngest two children of parents who were unable to continue caring for them due to poverty and chronic ill health, so their first mother and father made the difficult decision to place their little son and daughter for adoption. Instead of verifying our children’s adoption story was true, as we hoped, we heard from the family’s former neighbours that the children had been taken from their first mother without her knowledge, and sold by their father. Their mother, who had not seen her children for ten years, had no idea where they were until we came searching for her.
To cut a long and complicated story short, we initiated regular contact with our children’s first mother and her family, with the assistance of my trusted friend in India. We exchanged photos and emails, sending messages that were translated and forwarded by my friend. Several months after our first contact, I returned to India with the children and we spent four days living with their first mother, her husband and their five children. We committed to continue regular contact and frequent visits with this family we now consider part of our own.
I am delighted to say that my son and daughter have coped incredibly well with the grief and distress of their difficult situation, and they are both unequivocal in their support of our decision to uncover their history. Two years later, I can now look back on our family’s emotional journey and identify challenges we faced in sharing this distressing news with our children, and I am able to offer suggestions on how to support children who face similar issues.
Deal With Your Own Emotions Before Taling to Your Children:
I was angry, confused and scared when we found out that our children had been trafficked, and I needed to deal with that before talking to my children. They were going to have more than enough to cope with, and I didn’t want to further burden them by adding my turmoil to the maelstrom. There was no way I could be emotionally available for my children until I had calmed myself and recovered somewhat from the initial shock. If I had become upset when talking to my children, that would only have added to their distress. I wanted to support my son and daughter through this crisis, and that wouldn’t be possible if they had to modify their responses in order to protect me from their feelings. As much as this news shook the foundations of my world, I knew it would be so much more difficult for my children. I gave myself a few days to think through everything and to lessen the impact of what I had just learned, so I was able to speak calmly and remain supportive when the time came for the telling.
Pick the Time and Place for Your Talk:
This conversation is going to be a tough one, so think about where and when to hold it. I chose the end of the school week, so my children would have ample time and space before having to function in the public world. I made sure we had a quiet weekend planned, without visitors or social events.
The Truth, The Whole Truth and Nothing But the Truth:
I am not suggesting that you should be brutal, but your children need to be able to depend on one reliable and unchanging thing – YOU - when their world becomes unstable. It is incredibly difficult to tell children something that you know is going to hurt them deeply, so there is an understandable temptation to sugar-coat hard truths in an effort to lessen the blow. I am convinced this does children a disservice, and that it would make things more difficult for them in the long run. Be there to comfort your children by listening to their grief and validating their feelings, but don’t undermine their trust by withholding any important information.
This Will Take Time:
If you have learned something that is distressing, you have to allow your children to react to that awful news with anger and tears. It will take time for them to work their way through their emotions and the implications of what you have uncovered, and the issue may remain raw for a long while. You may learn things that fundamentally alter your child’s self-identity. I am still quick to anger when I think over what happened to my children, and my daughter is easily hurt if she thinks about the pain her first mother suffered.
Verify Your Child's Legal Status:
We checked with various sources before launching our search, so we were reasonably confident of our children’s legal status, should we uncover any impropriety in their adoption. This knowledge was particularly important when our children became understandably insecure and needed to be reassured that they would not be taken from our family.
This is Their Story:
My children have felt differently over time regarding public disclosure of their story. Initially my daughter did not want anyone to know that they had been trafficked. I respected her position, which also meant her older brother was not able to tell others, and I was not able to speak about our experience with my friends in the adoption community. After my children met their first mother, my daughter radically changed her position and asked, instead, for me to share their story. I explained to her that her information could not be taken back once she revealed it, but I supported my children to reach their own decisions regarding disclosure. While some may disagree with this approach, I believe it was an empowering action to allow my children to make these decisions.
What Helped Us?
In March 2007 our children travelled back to India and we spent four days with their first mother, her second husband and their five children. That experience was more healing for everyone than I could have imagined. Looking back over our experiences, I am able to see some things that definitely helped make the reunion a positive experience for all.
We set the stage long before we searched for information. Whenever we shared our children’s original adoption story with them, we included the caveat that “this is your story as far as we know it.” Having heard tales of adult adoptees who discovered aspects of their backgrounds had been altered, we knew it was always possible that our children may face similar challenges.
I have maintained a long-term friendship with a trusted person in India, and she was kind enough to mediate our contact with our children’s first mother. This was a critical role. A mediator not only has to translate communication but, more importantly, he or she has to act as a cultural go-between. My friend’s experience and understanding of the challenges facing both families meant that many potential difficulties were averted. Her mediation set the stage for our successful reunion, and she has continued to play a critical role in our continuing relationships.
We had already travelled to our children’s country of origin with them before we made the reunion trip. We had toured their homeland for several weeks, fourteen months before their reunion, and we staying in a variety of accommodation including run-down hotels and camping. This was a great advantage for our children when it came time for their reunion. The children had enough to cope with in managing the emotions of meeting their first mother and her family, and I am grateful they did not also have to cope with culture shock. They were comfortable in their homeland, and had been exposed to a variety of socio-economic conditions through India, including visits to several orphanages. This allowed my son and daughter to comfortably adapt to their birth mother’s community and socialise easily, even without any common language.
The following suggestions are things my children thought were important for other parents to know...
“Parents should find out the real answers for their children. They should find out the truth, and learn everything they can about their children’s story.”
“Parents should tell the truth, because if you don’t tell the truth it will be harder for their kids when they grow up and find out the real stuff.”
“Make sure the children know that they will stay in your family and that nobody can take them away.”
“Take your children to visit their first family, and do things to help their overseas family after you find them.”
Please contact Carrie
Kitze for information on obtaining reprints of this article
for pre and post adoption kits and seminars.
Sign up for our monthly newsletter which has interesting
articles, links and special offers of interest. Your email address remains
private and is not shared. Period.
